Maxwell Perkins <\/a>OK?<\/p>\nLook, can we be honest? Why are we talking “love” when everybody knows the writer is the prostitute, the agent is the pimp, and the publisher is the desperate, dumpy guy on vacation looking to get laid?\u00a0\u00a0 Or maybe that’s the reader…\u00a0 Anyway, if you want to “fall in love” so bad, why don’t you write your own Pulitzer Prize winning bestseller?<\/p>\n
These days, writers have a choice.\u00a0 Independent publishing is growing and traditional publishing is struggling, let’s face it.\u00a0 Me, I’m looking for life-long commitment, which is a funny thing for a hooker, ain’t it?\u00a0 Back in the day, you didn’t need a middle man, you sent your manuscript directly to the acquisitions editor.\u00a0 Where are the nurturers and the mentors, the wise editors who stood by their green but promising writers through the awkward mid-list years?\u00a0 These days it’s all bottom line and bean counters.\u00a0 And agents, hungry for love.<\/p>\n
Here’s a little of my history — pretend to be interested.\u00a0 After a short-lived, three way affair with my ex agent and my second editor (unnamed but from one of the giant New York based publishing houses) I fell lower and lower, hanging out at the dive bars,\u00a0 flinging myself at a series of horny, failed agents, resulting in sordid, one night stands.\u00a0 The next day they’d text me,\u00a0 “Sorry babe, there just wasn’t any magic.”<\/p>\n
Finally a portly gentleman editor from a legitimate small press did <\/em>fall in madly in love with my manuscript.\u00a0 He wanted to publish a series!\u00a0 Oh, it was happily ever after I thought, but then he up and died.\u00a0 Yes, died!<\/em>\u00a0 Alas, I was a literary widow, single again.<\/p>\nAgents, you don’t fool me.\u00a0 You’re all gold-diggers.\u00a0 You talk about love but what you really want is money.\u00a0 And where’s the ring, huh?\u00a0 Oh, you’ll never commit.\u00a0 It’s a book-by-book world we live in.<\/p>\n
You say you wanna fall in love with my manuscript?\u00a0 Here’s some unsolicited advice:<\/p>\n
1. You never call.\u00a0 You could at least text once in a while.<\/p>\n
2. Little terms of endearment are appreciated, as are flowers, chocolate, and a bottle of Moet Chandon when you close the deal.<\/p>\n
3. Be professional. Never insult me with snarky tweets making fun of the stupid query letters you received today.\u00a0 It’s your JOB to read query letters.<\/p>\n
4. Always remember that writers create the product. Which is a book. Without us, you’re back at your former lame-ass job, whatever that was.<\/p>\n
5. Can you appreciate a little satire?\u00a0 If not, I’m afraid I just can’t fall in love with you.\u00a0 That’s OK.\u00a0 Like Mama always said, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.<\/p>\n
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Agents, how many times this week have you written these […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[228,85],"tags":[28,276,268,7],"class_list":["post-2066","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-writing-and-publishing","tag-literary-agents","tag-publishing","tag-satire","tag-writing-process"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2066","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2066"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2066\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9662,"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2066\/revisions\/9662"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2066"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2066"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/madhatdesign.com\/newsite\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2066"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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